In less than 4 weeks time I get to go back to being Bex. I get to go back to being the "normal" me, and not the "normal" that I've become over the last 10 months. Over the course of this year I'm pretty sure I've been a different person, and not one I particularly like I must admit.
They say that you'll come back from the year abroad a different person, but that is because you're meant to be more confident and outgoing, better travelled and more experienced but I think something quite the opposite has happened to me. Over the last two years at uni, and to an extent some of my time in 6th form, I have managed to shed the shy person I used to be, I am a lot more confident, will get stuck in and involved with anything and everything and really enjoy meeting new people. Somehow over the course of my year abroad that person has gone into hiding. I get wound up over little things, complain about things that would never usually bother me and get upset totally needlessly. I've never been an unsociable person but I've certainly spent a lot more time on my own than I ever have done before, and I'm not even entirely sure why that is.
During the first semester I convinced myself that it was because I was in a French speaking country and that it was my weaker language and so I was bound to feel uneasy, but I realise now that was utter rubbish. I was surrounded by Erasmus students that I didn't have to speak French to if I didn't feel able to, so why couldn't I make myself do that? Here I am coming to the end of semester two, in a country where I am a lot more capable of speaking the language and yet has there been any change? No, it's been just as hard as the first time round.
This is one of the overriding reasons why I am looking forward to going home, I come home and start a new job for the summer, I go back to meeting new people and doing new things. Then I go back to Lancaster where I am involved with societies and have a job which constantly has me doing new things and meeting new people, just the way I like it.
Why this year hasn't given me that I just can't explain. I'm not saying the experience hasn't given me other things, and I'm sure I'll see these in hindsight, I've been to some great places and seen lots, I'm certainly a better travelled person, and have learnt things, but other than that?
Anyone that has met me for the first time this year will have almost certainly have met a different person, it's not a bad thing, but she's certainly not the person I know and won't have any problem saying goodbye to her at Malaga airport in just under 4 weeks...
I think people always underestimate just how hard it is. People keep saying to me 'but I thought you liked Geneva', and I keep saying 'yes I do, but you have to worry so much more when you're alone, abroad, where nothing is organised'. I've been really nervous even when I've been enjoying myself, waiting for something to go wrong, because something always does and there isn't that support network immediately with you. And when you're on edge the little things become huge. But we are changing mindsets - I still find it weird that here you don't have to get on at the front of a bus, and silly as it sounds, that's a difference in mindset between us and the Swiss. You wouldn't think it makes a difference, but it does. And this is what people don't understand. I'm with you Bex. I'm hoping that my rose-tinted specs arrive in the post soon...
ReplyDeleteBex - I am sure we are all looking forward to having the old Bex back - i know I am!! But we must acknowledge what the YA Bex has achieved - you have been taken out of your comfort zone for just short of a year, having gone to Valencia in early July last year. Thats 3 new places to live, three new sets of flatmates, three new towns to get used to in two non native languages - an achievement surely in anyones book. You have only come back during official breaks and spent the grand total of about 7 weeks in the uk out of the last 52, you haven't bolted for home at the first sign of homesickness and in that time i think you have visited a total of 15 (if my memory is right) places in Europe, maybe you have made more of it than you think! Anyway, four weeks today you will be off up to Lancaster and ready to start the next phase - one day you will look back and appreciate what you and all your Year Abroad friends have achieved xxx
ReplyDeleteBex -We just want to say what proud grandparents we are. You have done something that neither of us have done. You have travelled to foreign places spoken different languages and made yourself understood. We know how hard it has been as neither of us are outgoing or very adventurous.There will we are sure be many happy memories of your time abroad. You will soon be back in the swing of things organising meetings and things to do and people to see. Life will go on with more adventures a job for the summer for a start which will give you the opportunity to meet new people. Be proud of what you have done.xx
ReplyDeleteBex, I don't know you that well but I was fb stalking Lucy for a link she posted, and I found this...
ReplyDeleteWell I know what you mean. I spent 7 month in a tiny village. But life in England is different. It is still taking me a while to settle completely, I find being in crowds or shops or even restaurants where everyone is speaking English pretty weird and I expect buses to be on time ;-) But I am adapting. When you get home and you see your friends, they will be the biggest support aside from your family. And you have got used to being alone. As mentioned previously, 3 countries in 10 months?! Perhaps you haven't been talking to as many people because making new friends and meeting new people is Hard. No matter what language it's in. In Lancaster meeting new people is all well and good but you go home to the flatmates and family you know and love. You have stability and security in a sense that can never be replaced when you don't live in the same country for more than 4 months. I chose to stay in Alsace because it wasn't practical for me to move to Germany when I wanted to be a language assistant but I have said to all my friends who moved, I have a lot of respect and awe for you. To uproot completely, adapt, work out the place and the culture, get your mind to work in foreign... it's HUGE! Most people who moved once during the year find it hard enough but you have done it twice! It's incredible.
So... in short... don't panic. Coming home is hard but the more you look back the more you see. You say in your blog that you don't like being timid... well that's okay. But it's also okay, and perfectly understandable that this year has been a little overwhelming. You have been out there and lived the dream and so have I and although it was an amazing experience, I wouldn't do it again because I prefer life at home and that's okay too. So, make the most of the last few weeks and then come back to reality and let those who love you help you adapt to life in the UK. It won't be how it used to be, I have changed and I am still finding this out. Don't expect to be the old Bex straight away because you won't be and to force yourself into it will just make you unhappy. But take, as Donkey in Shrek said, one little baby step at a time and one day you will surprise yourself by finding the other side of the bridge. :-)
As I say, I don't know you very well and I hope you don't mind me commenting like this. But the most important thing for you to know is that you're not the only one. I have been speaking to a lot of people, and many are in the same boat. So don't worry :-)